SO. Since the last entry Ive become addicted to Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. Imagine that! People associate it right away to be some sort of Pokemon style game, and at first I was reluctant to accept it, because god damn seriously I have never gotten this fuckin mad at Pokemon, but truth is, yeah. It kind of is. You defeat them and capture them, and theres an extensive "Pokedex" of knowledge on each class and breed of monster. Sooo. Sure. Pokemon...ish.

Actually I really appreciate the fact that theres a japanese monster game that isnt made to pander to grade schoolers. I really like the designs in this game, and how seriously (and not seriously) it takes itself. I think its mostly Capcoms brilliant character development though.

Apparently this game is a pandemic in Japan still *_*

I am getting seriously. seriously. restless about my current status in life, and the only thing nudging me foward is money. Which isnt good and doesnt really solve anything. Just enhances it or prolongs dealing with what needs to be dealt with, but truth is, Ive hit a point where I can do well consistently and can rely on it until the season decides to change on that. I always feared it would, but after like 3 months of constant progress, Ive decided to get comfortable. just a liittle comfortable. Never taking for granted, thats for sure.

so. Restless. I think maybe its because its the holidays, and the holidays remind me of the high anxiety shit that gets on me, but really Ive felt like this before this season so I dont know. Ive realized Im a goal orientated person. Like I need a lot of short term goals. Long term ones are great, but not cutting it. What I didnt realize is HOW MUCH I need these short term goals. Even tiny things like conventions or trips, its not that they are goals its just small things to constantly look foward to. I always need that carrot dangling in front of me for some reason, without it I get really demotivated and in a serious slump

School, Japan, Work, Relationships Im at peace with alot of the experiences Ive taken from my past, even if they didnt work out. Well, the relationship one is a little different, but you know what I mean, something you really wanted to invest in and look foward to, but if it didnt work out, its not worth beating myself up over. Its not that I failed my "goal" but I still gained alot from trying to achieve it. So I think even if I have good long term goals for myself after learning from past experience, it the lack of things to look foward to in the immediate future that is really getting to me and ultimatley crapping over real progress in my life.

I hate to say it, but even if I am in a relationship with the best guy, Im getting really fustrated with the routine, and it makes me feel like a shit. Get a spine me! He has his own life, but unfortunately mine takes place on the internet, in Austin and in Japan. It sounds weird, but talking to my Japan friends, and even looking a scans of shit from CUTIE and Ranzuki just get me really invigorated in wanting to do things.
Its not even about where I want to be, city, country, whatever. Im happy as long as Im with People I adore and vice versa, but man shit like stupid gyaru mag scans, I love the accessories and colors and all that shit, even the monster designs in Monster Hunter... it makes me want to draw and paint, and take that trip to Seattle for that workshop Ive been putting off, like actually liking stuff, makes me want to do stuff! Pah!

Its just so fustrating, I dont want to say HE is holding me back, cause hes not, and he never would, but he really isnt one to actively support me either. Its hard assimilating your life to someone elses, but still have to find it 100 percent within whats still you to stay happy.

Blah I got a new car. Bekah, on the way back from Dallas the last time I stayed with you, it died on the freeway like 10 minutes north of Georgetown. Forever dead. Got a Saturn with 34k miles the next thursday tho. So all that work, POOF! gone! so fustrating!!! When I was getting registration for it though I almost.

ALMOST.

got custom plates!! I didnt because the bank account balance was stretchin thin after the sudden expense of the car, and Id have to prorate like 3 months of registration or something like that....I was gonna go with:

MEWTWO -or- RAICHU -or- NARUTO (this is a joke, please for the love of god I want you to taste the irony and not mistake it for anything else I beg of u ppl)

but now considering

TIGREX
KHEZU
KUT KU

Im the baddest dude on the road B-)

noo Im no drunk driver. so no. Man i get so freaked out driving at night in Austin, i keep thinking a drunk driver is gonna get me, and when he does, Im gonna have a really weird song playing on my Mp3 player. And Im gonna die to a soundtrack. Like the Knights of Ramune opening or Midnight Blaze. well okay, I can deal with Midnight Blaze, dont give a fuk if the paramadics make a funny face trying to revive me to Midnight Blaze. thats THIER problem!!! But the Selena Gomez song from Hannah Montana (If cupid had a heart) oy. Dont think theres a clean way out of that one. Would I even be worth saving?

god I am shocked at how much japanese I still know sometimes. flexed it today. yeauh. its really ridiculous, Im looking into going back to my school for intensive JPLT cram studies, but its a saturday thing, spread across like 6 months so its obviously for people who are busy with other lives in japan. Im busy too. If looking at sparkly shit in the basement floor of Shibuya 109 counts. Yeah. word. WORD!! but seriously though, I loved my school very much and I already talked to the boyfriend about leaving for a cram session... its sad when i can afford tuition and boarding for this easier than a leisurely trip! shit is too expensive and the dollar is garbage over there. I will never be a Tourist in Japan will I? every time I show up its for the long haul lol.

GOOD!!!
Cause my cat is an asshole! I would like not too see his face for a while ugh. Look at this cumchugger of a cat.

( stupidignorantcatUGH )

the TV in the back is a cumchugger TV too. It weighs like 500 pounds. but its a good Bemani TV, so it stays. ugh. we dont even play bemani anymore. We are living a SHAM.

I really want Oden. Its the smelly stuff that they boil in conbinis in Japan. it looks really weird but it all tastes like scallops and magic.

I want to start drawing Pokemon commissions. yeah for money, and because i really enjoy drawing pokeymans. I should draw logan covered in Woopers. like American Beauty hahaa. he likes woopers way too much. I wonder if theres a pokedoll of him. I think he said he like espeon too...awww!!
My favs always change but I love Magikarp and Mew. Delaney thank you for hanging on to my Mew cup its like one of my most prized posessions ;o;!!
the other Tier of favorites consist of: Bulbasaur, Shinx, Shaymin, Slowpoke, Ponyta, Pikachu and Jolteon.

bidyo gamez.

Bekahs bathtub is broken, the tub water wont drain. so we gotta take showers with maximum swiftness to make sure the water level doesnt start to spill over. I usually like to wait at least like 5 minutes or so for my conditioner to work work on my hair, but tensions were running high and the tub water didnt give a crap, so I was seriously considering dipping my head in the toilet and flushing multiple times.
I stood around with the water off for like 3 minutes instead, and now I wish I had just followed my heart. Dry brittle hair yall :(

So I was in the company of a guy that gets paid well to uh... write malicious code and test security breeches? He was invited to speak at Defcon,but his employer gave him a ಠ_ಠ face i guess? We befriended each other and then, later, he showed me his Goverment ID card, and turns out he is also a government contracted hacker on the side. And I was like woah! Cool! But now Im like... oooh nooo was that such a good idea? Giving him some of my online contact info. eeep!

If you're reading this I think you're really super rad but please use your powers for good!!

also, you are pretty. Too pretty. hmm...

Anatomy of a Hater?...??
Sometime this week, Pantsu and I got into it and he called me a "Hater" in a fashion meant to take a dig at me or call me out, however knowing that in our past convos I have professed myself as a hater already I simply owned it and moved on.
But I really started to think about what that word meant to me upon trying to label toxic relationships in my past.
I consider my mother a hater not because she is actively jealous or full of scathing remarks per se, but because she is so bitter from her past that she cannot relate with someone who wont indulge her misery. I consider another female im connected to a hater in the same sense, she needs someone to indulge her misery and bitterness; however in her case she does actively hate and is full of jealousy.
Thats what hating is to me, someone that feels like nothing is good enough, and cant see other people be successful. Mostly: You have to live your life equal to or below whatever standard they set up for themselves.
I gossip and have my opinion about people for thier choices, thier actions, but at the end of the day as people I wish them sucess in whatever they ultimatley want to do. Gossiping isnt hating, its having a worthless opinion via idle chatter. I really do not feel threatened by the presence of anybody to the point I have to truly go into an offensive mode.   So why i on earth do I casually label myself as something I truly fucking detest? I think I may do it because Im afraid my personality comes off as very abraisive so its easy to just selfdeprecate it with that label. I really shouldnt though, I know Im not like that.

Also, I can go into petty offensive mode, but its usually a bunch of cheapshots I do for fun. Shit its more like a "defensive" mode, because I only do it once its been done to me. I mean, for example, Im aware this one  dude used to talk smack about my nose and breasts, avoid me like hella, to feel superior or something (I never really knew the guy), but now he gives me these big smiles and "heeeyss!" when he sees me. I mean who does that? Dude I got your game.  We get along and that crap is in the past, but he took it there and that gives me permission to remember that he has his own encyclopedia dramatica entry and laugh about the mutual friend messes from days past~
I can move on, but i have to admit it is is pretty hard to forget,  because like i said, it makes me feel like I have a permit to take a bunch of worthless cheapshots and not feel bad, because a real foundation of trust is already competley absent from my connection to said mark, and mark probably knows shit about me.

Man what a rant. I was watching some show on MTV about strict parents and this one family removed the door to thier childrens room. Ugh, for some reason that feels like such a violation. You have a problem about locks and closed doors get the kid a doorknob where you have  copy to the key.  I had my doorknob removed when I lived in my old house growing up shortly after puberty and I hated it. It was removed after a spat too. Like what an obsessive display of dominance over anybody, I cant place my finger on it. it just feels gross. But whats weird, is that while I was watching it happen to that boy, I was like "Man I wish i was a boy", because then I would just masturbate all day in front of the open door in protest.  Teenage boys  probably arent that comfortable with thier sexuality, but man I would be so mad about having my door completely removed from the doorframe I would just not give a fuck. You want to completely rape someone of thier privacy you should be ready to get whatever dumb confidential crap that person may want to do in front of you now.

On september 11th there was a rave at some place in Denton called  "Moment of Stylence".. I am in awe of the sheer brilliance in that pun  but feel kind of guilty too. ugh. I have to steal that sometime though. UUGH. Never forget....

At the library I saw a  Relationship advice book called. "How to Duck a Sucka" and I read it as "How to Suck a Dick". I did a double take and then was amazed at how quickly my MO is rotting away.

Im kind of upset about the last spat Pants and I got into, usually we get out of them and move on, and we did but I dunno. I think i have PTSD when it comes to altercations, I am so non confrontational. We can go back and forth, but for the first time I was actually at my keyboard like.. "what.. what the fuck" just really at a loss for words and confused while he just went at it. I hate that feeling, its not like Im holding a grudge, but its more like I feel like a cold wet dog or something, or like a deer in headlights. I dont know. and I have no other way to say it except in a livejournal entry, so pantsu I dont want to avoid you but i probably am, and Im sorry,  and its not because of your personal problems ( even though I wish i could say more engaging and unique things than, " i know what youre going through" and that time really does heal things) but because I just felt shitty about how that squabble went.

Whitney Houston is so cool. Too bad shes replaced her legendary range with weird improvisations in her songs, cause the truth is shes just not the Whitney from 15 years ago anymore :(

I think the guy who hosts Web Soup is mad cute. I want him and Joel McHale to just make out and be covered all over in their own soup. heh. HEH.

I bought a canvas not that long ago. Its a big one too.  Why does actually buying the paint feel like such a scary daunting task? I want to get into acrylics, (Even though Im more experienced with the feel of watercolors!).  I think its because all the mediums available vary so fucking much omg. Also I need to get into the habit of drawing out my ideas, and buying more canvases,  treating this lone canvas like a oneshot makes me feel much more pressed to make sure I dont regret what I do to it . Especially since drying time for acrylics is shorter too! Less Room for error 9n9!!


Trying to figure out where to travel for funz before the end of the year. I could probably save up enough money for another trip to Japan, probably in January, but the exchange rate is PURE SHIT NOW OMG FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (89 yen to the dollar!!! I was there back when I got like 120 yen to the dollar and it owned. alot. ) But Im torn between East coast freinds and West coast Bay Area friends. After my first trip to NYC and Boston, I kept saying that Id be back  cause they owned, and, embarassing secret: Had I known New Jersey was right across the street from NYC I would of bothered my old oekaki head bitch Karn! But i didnt because being from Houston and not knowing much about local geography I had no idea where shit went in the upper east coast *o* My bad!~
My bay area friends though are osum too, and we roll and eat really good local japanese and korean food. But Flying back on a comedown feels awful :(. But shit I dunno I might roll at both for all it matters.

The current Yaoi fandom shipping status for me as of recently is Megaman X and Zero. Feeling Classically Creepy!

I bought Megaman 8 on a whim too, about a month ago. Man I fucking hate that SLIDE JUMP JUMP JUMP SLIDE SLIDE JUMP shit. The voice acting for all the bosses is so funny though. Astroman sounds like he kind of likes the pain and is begging for it and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I waxed my Bikini Line,  I hate doing it, but man the Sally Hansen prewaxed strips work well... Armpits and legs? Not so much, but the Bikini line is compliant for some reason.  Before I started tearing away, I loaded up Scarface OST "Push it to the Limit". Dont need any numbing lotion or anethesia. Just a Scarface Soundtrack and a BADITTUDE

Looked up the prices of Hermes bags. Jesus Mary and Joseph these are the most expensive things I have ever seen. 16k for a plain leather bag with an H on it. I mean I understand handbag status culture and all that, but I really didnt know. I DIDNT KNOW. I'll stick to loving Louis Vuittons from a Distance... Louischan ;v;

You Know, for as much flack Abercrombie &Fitch get for introducing surfer preppy clothing and silly ad campaigns,  Hollister as well, when you walk through their store floors, the Mannequins ALWAYS look really good. I cant say Ive actually seen one person  IRL wear the clothes like that. They layered  it up really really cute or SOMETHING.
If the store wants you to wear the clothes the way they display them, Ill give it to them. They really do make good fashion. Ive always liked A&F, waaaay too expensive for me to get  committed, but whenever I walk past the storefront they are always bumping good dance music.  Hell yeah ill listen to some Moonlight Shadow at the mall 8-)

Been going on a Calpico drinking binge. Was planning on drinking Calpis Sours all weekend (Calpis+Vodka) but I devised a brilliant plan where I would use grape vodka so it would be just like the Grape flavor Calpis drink I loved so dearly back in Nippan. WELL IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY BECAUSE TO MAKE SOURS TURNS OUT YOU NEED THE CALPIS CONCENTRATE, NOT THE ACTUAL DRINK. So I got shafted with three 50 ounce bottles of Calpis (i was gonna drink ALOT I really thought this would work) and I gotta say, its pretty awesome drinking this much Calpico. Usually I drink the small 12 oz bottles and when Im done its like, "okay.. Magical adventure over" but with these big ass bottles its like it never has to end. And when I cleaned those bottles out I went back and bought some more. What a perfect fucking drink. seriously. I tried to take one into the shower but Logan said no. What an Asshole.

I am addicted to this song from Starfox64 
Its the menu select song. It moves me very much for some reason, its like floating or being weightless, and that feeling of knowing someone somewhere  is thinking about you very much. From the god damn Barrel Roll game. ugh. LOVE IT.

Got into a debate with the boy that Pokemon Gold was the equivalent to Red. He insists Silver was the "Red" of that generation.
I think he is out of his damn mind this is a no brainer.  Ive always interpreted the family to go like this.

Red.Gold.Ruby.Diamond.
Blue.Silver.Sapphire.Pearl.

He says Ho-Oh was the gay one and Lugia was the cool one for boys. Well yeah they are both hella cool, but come on Ho-Oh was the hyper secret legendary Ash saw in the first episode of Pokemon.  He was shrouded in Mystery for like 2 years! and Gold is not girly, Gold is regal and expensive!


Zero is going to be in the American version of Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. I did some looking and i think its going to be Battle network Zero. UGH. I was hoping for classic super BUFF Green titty Zero ;o;. Seriously he is one of my favorite characters of all time. I was sad BN Zero was in SvC Chaos.But my Dream Team of  Rockman Dash and Classic Zero? Flipping out. I love it. Sadly looks like it will not be the case :(

Man it is hard as hell to find the Porno pics of Tila Tequila. Its amazing actually, its like her nudie model days never existed.

I want to go to Universal Studios and go on the Jurassic Park ride. Hella bad. First off, because its Jurassic Park and i wanna see the big wooden gates and hear the same voice actors who do the narrations from the first movie yaddayaddayadda, and second because I would like to flash the camera when the photo-op drop happens, and then proceed to buy the photo. Completely serious.

If Jurassic Park was real and my ass went to Isla Nublar and I went on thier rides, I would flash thier cameras too. And Im not  flashy!!  I deliberate long and hard a great deal when making very private decisions like this, and the jury is in. and Im looking at you, Stegosaurus.

I have fallen in love again with MegamanX4 opening. (FYI I do this every year)

Studying Kanji, surprised how much I get away with. Readthekanji.com is really fresh because my old Kanji workbooks in Japan almost looked  the exact same way, the part i like the best are the example sentences because the difficulty level is just right for me. Pounce let me borrow a book that seems PERFECT for me, it says its for people who have 300 hours of formal training, and I thought, "Wtf thats me!!!" Sometimes I forget how much it really adds up, all those hours I spent in that classroom.
It kind of bums me out though, how this year has been, the book she let me borrow says Im intermediate based on my past, and you know it was something I would of never of considered calling myself.
A problem of mine was searching  for learning materials  just right for me,  but if it wasnt beginner I wasnt sure i was "smart enough"... But the truth is I actually paid alot of dues already. I wish I had just continued as soon as I got back and didnt miss a beat because I thought I was stupid or something, thinking i was still a little baby beginner really did discourage me alot.


Here is a list of dirty words that are censored on PSP/Playstation3 AdHoc Party. Completely Serious.

bestiality
toss
hitler
fisting
viagra
condom
honkey
jugs
butts*
sex
nipple
pimp

*only plural butts. "Butt" is okay wtf

If I was a Clow Card.

I would be Fly.

I usually dont gush like this over mucisians. I like my Warp Records, and some Ed Banger here and there, and Video Game/Animu Music. But man Alan Braxe is my idol. His music is like. What I want to be. If my body were to be transmutated into audio, I hope I come out as something Alan Braxe would make. If it does not, Eurobeat would have to do as a distant second :I

Joel McHale is owning the fuck out of Wendy Williams, he kind of comboed it up on her. Thank you Joel. Love u.

I used to have a pet project that has been brewing again for the last 2 years. My main brain baby Ive had since I was like, 13. Used to go by Necromancer, now renamed "Romancer". When I got into my Video game and BTX friends, it just started to slip away, and concentrated on another brain baby, Shotgunners Paradise. I made a short comic of that one and while the concept is something that I am proud of, the execution was awful. I have no writing skills. I may be a well polished hack at art, but writing.. ugh.

Anyways, SP was something I was hella into for 3 years. But as I matured out of my teens,  and learned to heal from things, SP just seemed to fade out completely. The characters from SP served only as tourniquets, weither or not i could of sat down and really loved writing and telling the story as much as I really wanted it to be seen as a great tragedy I dont think it was going to happen. Which is a shame, because it wasnt a bad story, I just dont know if I could execute it, It would  require a collaboration with a writer that feels the plot more than I do, and make me excited to draw it.

Romancer started to slowly creep back up on me while SP was backing off, and it now is in my heart the same way it was almost 10 years ago. But its a good thing I took that break. I changed sooooooooo much between 16-22 and looking at my childhood creation with these new lenses makes me cringe at how  bad some of my work was, but It feels like all my characters have been reborn and grown in some way the whole time as well. Im glad I know where my stregnths and weaknesses are, and how i would approach them. The writing thing is a big one though. I have hiiiiigh fuckin standards when it comes to webcomics.

There are talented people making comics, but Im not going to lie. I am dissapointed at what all the talented american art kids the last 10 years have been able to produce. In 10 years One Piece, Naruto, and Bleach have come out of nowhere and have established themselves as strong iconic franchises with over 300 chapters each. I cant think of anything the talented manga inspired generation from the USA has made that has had a similar effect or impact. And even if the artist is capable of executing it, theres always some bullshit idiot update release schedule.

1-3 pages a week? 1 graphic novel a year...or more? Hiatuses whenever you feel like it? I cant stand it. I really cant, even though its better than nothing, It has absolutley done no favors to the Amerimangaka (I dont know what to call it) community. Tokyopop really bungled it up too. I was HELLA excited that they were reaching out to american artists. I loved it. But no quality control or resect for the artists. Word on the street is that thier shitty decisions are finally catching up to them anyways. Tokyopop seems like the hot mess of the comic publishing world. remember back in the day when they douched the hell out of thier own magazine? anyways...

I would not release a webcomic because the schedule would probably not be very reliable knowing me. I would definatley opt to self publish, and release in 180-200 page tankoubons, every other month  or 3 months. Every month would be osum but retardedly ambitious and unlikely lol! I would release  3 full volumes in the beginning, and  then really concentrate on arcs, and art like CRAZY between releases. I dont even care if I profit, breaking even to make more is what would matter to me. Thats the edge I feel is missing from amerimangaka,  longevity. Some bullshit mediocre moe harem shit from NIPPAN  is expected to have a longer life than a decent series put out by an american Artist, so it never leaves its mark.  If it breaks even for the first three volumes, It means people liked it enough to follow it which is enough to keep going from my POV.

Dramacon was great, but too short :< Svetlana is sooo talented!

I think slowly getting a good fanbase and establishing yourself as an artist that has enough confidence thier artwork  to invest in it and charge for it, and release on time, is a huge gesture of respect for the fans. Its better than half assing a pipe dream and leaving your followers waiting all the while you get to roll around in thier loyal praises.

I hate to sound like JAPAN IS SO MUCH BETTER, but maybe the way they structured the comics industry is something some people need to try to emulate in some parts of thier ethic. They publish  thousands of pages of new quality comics every week for kids, salarymen, teenagers, pervs, EVERYONE.. Its not rocket science, its art.  Ugh, it makes me really want a good writer right now to work with. I feel like the Joe Jackson of gay American manga webcomics. Im the epitome of cool. obviously.

The one where Fisher whoops the shit out of Jackie's ass. I have seen this one like 8 times.

Feels like I am always running out of time. Theres so much I want to do. Well, 1/3 of it is do, the other two thirds is buy. Theres alot of shit I wanna buy.

I'd like to think Im a girl's girl, but  I swear sometimes I carry myself more like an old crazy cat lady.......sigh

Still fucked up that MJ is gone. I want Neverland to be like Graceland, as tacky and gaudy as that shit sounds, fuck it, I wanna go and shit.  With my Visor, fanny pack, and bored ass grandkids in tow and everything.

People are so fucked up, building an amusement park in your house = kiddy diddler? You know youve heard this. People really treat it as exhibit A or some shit.  God It makes me want to go on a face-breaking melee when I hear this. If you were the most untouchable being on the planet, with serious cash to burn for the rest of your life, like YOU wouldnt buy ridiculous over-the-top shit? Fuck I know I would. I would probably try to genetically engineer a Unicorn or something. God I cant stand haters.

A PRAYER FOR THE HATERS

God grant me the Serenity
to hold back the things I cannot restrain;
balls to own the shit I DO say;
and pity  for those who are bitter as hell.

Amen