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Jun. 1st, 2015 | 05:12 pm

Jesus christ. In 24 hours my old boss came to me FIRST to offer me a job again and my high school girlfriend is hooking me up with an in at Aesir media group. Shes a merch designer for anime and shes dropping recs like crazy for me, and I am gonna get my foot in the door with contract work before transitioning to the art department???? Holy chit. I knew I would bounce back here easy but this is 2 legit 2 quick.

All I can think about it that Sophia application now...what if I get in??? What the fuck am I going to do? Do I want it that bad? Aesir has an office in Tokyo, but a career designing cute merch with my wicked talented high school sweetiepoo is intense. I mean, thats what I was planning on doing anyways on my own, selling my art on legit merchandise. Thats what I've spent years doing too! Buying cute anime and game swag. Its something I'm good at, having an eye for cute stuff.

So I get to play with dogs during the day and work on anime cute shit at night? That sounds amazing what the fuck. What the actual fuck. I haven't even washed my hair yet.

Dallas was a huge waste of time and emotion.


The next couple of years of life are probably going to be spent grieving and angry over it. But at least I will have puppies, anime, even more money and a shitload of weed.


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Sharpen the senses and turn the knife

May. 31st, 2015 | 06:10 pm
location: Houston, Texas


a month ago I was like: Tokyo....TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!

Now I just dont fucking know!!!!!!!

But this place is going change me. Tokyo taught me, Dallas tested me, but Houston just holds me. I wish it could forever. But I am going to be difficult and leave to somewhere someday. But for right now, In this moment I know I will remember this feeling forever.

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Sayonara Dallas

May. 29th, 2015 | 10:44 pm

Leaving this place for Houston tomorrow! I got really anxious and freaked out the last two days but then I calmed down. Houston will be a nice place too catch up on, and live rent free. Maybe I'll start up light recreational use of some shit to take the edge off of living with my mom. Ride the white pony to stay productive on late night art shit.

Started talking to somebody and my gut feeling is just telling me bad vibes even though its been really fun. I know deep down its just more hurt; Its like a box wrapped in a box, wrapped in a box, inside another box and the smallest box at the end just has one yellow starburst....but hey, that first box was wrapped up so nice with a big shiny bow.
But sometimes its been so emotionally charged I cant even stand it. Maybe its chemistry? Maybe its Maybelline. But I haven't had good luck with being seen as anything more than an as-is toy for years. A little depressing that I have a sensor for this stuff now. I gotta stay busy and productive though so I can bury the reality of hitting my rapidly approaching thirties as an emotional strugglebot with cute shit and animal kissies.

I miss not living with animals so much. Im gonna try to get my job back from the Mutthouse and foster one of the pups. 2015 has been a year of reunions, and Sandy Pandy is still at my old job! Sandy is old and toothless now, but I remember when she first came in with a bandanna and skin problems on her rump. She was such a sassy and fluffy girl. She looks like she still is.

Kind of weird that I look forward to animal kissies again but Sandy was the kind of dog that did not like to give kisses. David Dig-Dug was the same way. I like my dogs to be emotionally unavailable but secretly cuddlebugs.

Animals are probably the actual shape of my heart but I don't know how to make a career out of them. I haven't seen too many animal illustrators that really make me think critters can be some next-level shit, but I should try. Before I became an anime kid, all I drew were animals.

I was known for animals and dinosaurs. Drawing people gives me anxiety because I am a perfectionist, so things like anatomy, likeness and avoiding uncanny valley is so important. But with animals its so much more relaxing, I always feel like a kid again when I draw creatures. I remember loving Lisa Frank so much because it was like this magic colorful place with fun stories about these rainbow animals from all over the world just being carefree and making friends.

I have memories of just taking in how color and shapes were used (ever notice how Lisa Frank strategically avoids the color red and hard outlines?), but at the same time I would gaze at these pictures of ponies and dolphins and imagine living in her amazing world free of human beings. Just kickin' it in the clouds with unicorns, or watching bunnies be ballerinas on a stage. They would have vibrant names and personalities and my 9 year old self would so badly wish she could just jump into her drawings and look at the stars in her world with a basket of fluffy pink and purple kittens.
The absence of people in Lisa Frank was a gigantic draw for me. It was huge actually. I am now kind of realizing I probably had a weird misanthropic streak as child because the escapism was too real. Nowadays I read about Lisa Frank being a drug addicted, emotionally unstable and reclusive woman. I think I get it though. I feel for her.

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May. 24th, 2015 | 01:11 am

thats my IDM album name. Blepping. Preparing to move to Houston, but its going to be rain and thunder all week.

I got two grams sitting around but I already ate all my central market snacks u_u

Trying to stay optimistic but theres a lot of uncertainty in Houston. Either way Dallas has been a real shit show, I know theres awful people every where on the planet but some of the worst, degrading and defining moments have come from trying to believe in people up here.  Maybe I will miss how quiet solitude is once I move in with my mom and aunt, but I guess its worth taking for now.

I really hate my family, but I got in touch with my uncle GG about 6 months ago and it was a real eye opener. He taught me so much about the intracacies of why my parents are the way they are, and how my other aunts and uncles behaved in comparison. Turns out I inherited the emotional-curious-weirdo gene that about 5 of my mom's 11 siblings had. My mom would always be standoffish and look down on how they chose to live thier lives. I had a really rough time growing up, feeling like I was crazy or awful but really it was my mom unable to deal with insane attention deficit in her childhood, and having to deal with a child like me just kind of shattered her vision of being the perfect mother to the perfect kids.

I remember talking to GG not too long ago about what I sought for in relationships, and he just pretty much told me I would never find it. I really click with GG and I see the way he lives his life, and I honestly believe thats how it is going to be with me. He has been living alone, away from all his immediate family in Miami, for about 11 years. He had to get away from Houston because it wasnt where his happiness was as a gay man and so he relocated.  Even though he so badly wants me to live with him and move to Florida, he understood what I was feeling when I visited Japan last month. He wants the fufillment he found in Miami for me, in Tokyo, so I really love him for understanding that.

He said that I will never find a real partner though, and I think I believe him. Even before I got in touch with him, I remember thinking I could never deal with a relationship again, even if a lot of it was stable and reliable like what I had with my ex. But, Im immune now. I just dont care for the labels and motions anymore.  I told him I wanted someone much much more similar to myself one day, and thats when he said I was out of luck. It is an impossible task. The only people in this world who will be like me are my children. It is a curse for the people in our family with the weirdo gene. Kind of a tough pill to swallow, but I think he was right. I remember in some of the darkest parts of my depression and fustration with my ex years ago, I imagined maybe having a child would stave off some of the crippling loneliness I felt. Of fucking course I knew better than to ever act on it, but my imagination conjured up that scenario so easily for some reason.  Im not even particularly crazy about going through the physical process of having a baby, it's definitely about the responsibilty and care that comes after it.

Now that Im in my late twenties though,  I have to give a shit about this issue way more than I did 5 years ago! if I accept I'm not going to have kids, do I risk chunking possibly the most meaningful relationship in my life? While I am so happy I have the freedom to move and do whatever I want right now, it is scary, knowing I will be alone for a very long time if the kid thing is right.

I think subconciously thats why I want to work in a creative career, making things just makes me feel so at ease. Working on character design, and making people from the ground up— what they like to wear, what thier favorite food is, what makes them freak out or laugh.... even when thier birthdays are! It is cathartic for something I risk never having in my life. For my nurturing side, I always have had animals and not living or working with any is really getting to me. I have a little black cat statue with my first cat's ashes inside and Im grabbing it like, all the time. Its fucking weird and really morbid. I used to be able to count on sifl for being by side but now I just hold this little idol instead. I need to sleep and I need to buy some fitted sheets that dont roll off my mattress every 3 days.

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relatable problems #482

May. 21st, 2015 | 09:45 pm
mood: YEP!!!!

When you want  2 die but your sweet katana is longer than your arms can reach out and hold it

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vhs dreamin

May. 13th, 2015 | 12:30 am
location: Dallas cause Houston hurts

I have been loving the rain and thunderstorms the last month. It's weird because it gets me into this unprecedented mood for romance. My ex wasnt the type to want to lay in bed all day, he insisted on moving to the couch and having a game controller in his hands at any free moment. It's weird, I think about all these lazy lovey rituals I thought we must of had over the course of our relationhship, but it turns out there was actually none.  It feels like Im rolling around in my sheets and stuffed animals feeling nostalgic for a touch I never actually ever had in the first place. I guess having cats really helped my need for cuddles.

Still love this grey weather. shopping at Central Market, watch Hulu and eat expensive organic food in bed, work on cintiq, sleep and snacks in bed, masturbate and sleep. Im a fuckin loser and Im ready to go back to japan tbqh

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This cat understands me.

May. 3rd, 2015 | 10:59 pm
mood: funky funky funky!!!
music: Old L.T.D. albums


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ow oww

Apr. 22nd, 2015 | 12:51 am
location: PAIN
mood: I need some CATS

I just wanna smoke out so fuckin bad but I cant because my left rib is  fractured and its gonna be like this for another week or two???  crying about it on lj seems good though since Im about that single bedridden life and I tryin to viibe with this Hulu account
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Apr. 11th, 2015 | 06:42 am
location: lonelyville population: me
mood: hornyhorny
music: but cuddles okay too


I let my cosmic fucktwin walk right out of my life thanks TSA


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those level 10 spicy coco shits

Feb. 21st, 2015 | 02:20 pm

took two different strippers to the emergency room in one week. Both Passion and Khaleesi are doing well but now Passion is mad at another (a third!) stripper for talking shit about her in the ER waiting room and Passion HEARD IT because the third stripper runs her mouth too damn loud, so now she is gonna let her fucking have it when she sees her tomorrow and boy howdy I can not fucking wait because when Passion gets fired up she can summon the power of 1000 Jamaican Dancehall airhorns going off all at once bobby flay throwdown will have nothing on this.

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