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Jun. 24th, 2015 | 09:00 pm
mood: bored. on my lonesome. eating goddamn grapes

I wish I dreamt when I'm sleeping more. I think thats why I am a weirdo sometimes. I do it all when I am awake. I remember I got a conduct cut in first grade for daydreaming. Im listening to people back home here in Houston point out how off in my own world I always was. Didnt know I came off as aloof, but I probably do.

I also think listening to people's dreams is chore and its not interesting. I will never understand people that have reoccuring dreams..Im kind of jealous of them, because that sounds so prophetic. I've never had anything like that. I remember on an episode of X-files, Agent Scully once said that "A dream is an answer to a question we havent yet figured out how to ask." I wasn't  even a fan of that show but that quote really stuck with me for probably almost 20 years now. I think I like it a lot because its as though your subconcious is always trying to help you no matter how weird and outlandish your ideas and experiences are. But when I sleep, I only really dream maybe once or twice a month?

Nothing is ever vivid enough to remember. I once dreamt I was kissing though, and it was sublime. I dont remember anything else except that emotion. Maybe thats why I dreamt it, because when I'm kissing it feels like a dream. 

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Beast mode go go go!!!

Jun. 22nd, 2015 | 09:14 pm
mood: RELIEF
music: Stevie Wonder- I just called to say I love you

I didnt get into Sophia University. holy shit. what a rush of relief. I am free from the elaborate web of anxiety I cornered myself into almost a year and a half ago with this goal. This year was a lesson in watching expectations go up in smoke, but I at least got some clarity about what was important to me each step along the way.

I swear I was about to break. I moved out from my home after ending a 7 year relationship, then I moved to Guam, and then I moved to Houston. If I had gotten in, I would of had to move to Japan by September... all of this in one year. 4 moves in one year  and I dont know if I could of powered through it. Im exhausted. My broken rib still hurts. My property is still stolen; my privacy was still violated. A lot of shit just wasnt coming together and I dont want a return to Japan to feel like that. I just want to make time to make things. and love things.

also, I could of died yesterday???? WHAT!!



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this corner of the earth is like me in many ways

Jun. 19th, 2015 | 09:03 pm
music: Demon- You are my High

doing whats right and doing what I want sucks! This fucking sucks!!!! I cant stand the Japan thing anymore.

Before I moved back to Houston, I tried to convince myself that Dallas was bearable...I needed to just find a new place to live and everything will be back on course, and maybe something more might happen! But the pros and cons list was too strong for Houston, and I know moving here was the right call.

Now with Sophia around the corner, Im starting to do the same thing and start chickening out. Im looking at Texas Schools to quickly transfer to with strong Visual Art programs and Im already building this fantasy world of what it will be like....Living by a river and working on art full time to finish an undergrad, I can get my cat back from my ex and maybe get that broken black rex bunny. I'll just take it easy and bring my drawing ability up x5000 and watch Real Housewives and buy cheap fruit. My grades dont suck, the hardest part of my "core curriculum"  busywork is over. I can have this fairly easy in two or three months.

I see my friends that I love in Tokyo doing their cosmpolitan hustle and I just dont know how bad I want it. I dont even get that excited about studying toward fluency again. Is it worth being poor student over? A poor LIBERAL arts student? Especially since fine and studio art is so important to me right now. Tokyo is amazing. Its fucking amazing and I am well connected over there. So what the fuck am i doing not taking advantage of it? It wont disappoint. But will I grow or be chewed up by soul crushing work grind bullshit? I flip flop between wanting this so bad and then wanting to escape to some small college town in Texas. But I know Im just freaking out over something I've wanted for years becoming real and I guess its still scary. Why do I do this? Money is an issue, but even if it wasnt I think I would stil have these doubts.

I think working on art is more important. I don't want to write papers. I am not going to be world renowned for beastmode in sociology. Art I can do. Colors and shapes and emotion I can do. but  I need the discipline of a teacher or mentor to keep me in line. Maybe Im just sweating over nothing. Maybe I did not even get in. and that will be okay.

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Jun. 16th, 2015 | 11:16 am

Its been about a month since I've discovered my roomates went into my room, opened my laptop went through my personal pictures and stole them. Being able to descriptively articulate how traumatic that was for me has been hard, but I did the best I could do with the authorities and I just have to move on. Got caught up in a few stupid fucking mistakes along the way, but Im doing better now.

Being a woman sucks so hard sometimes. I hate feeling like I have to prove or explain my truth with every interaction, its like I'm starting from less than nothing when I speak. Men have it so easy, men seem to carry automatic conviction and authority when they share their thoughts.
Being able to lean on my old girlfriends has been important, and Im ready to boss up with them. In general, I'm eating better, sleeping better, exercising, working and drawing. Rediscovering my home after almost a decade of change and its so pretty.

I forgot how many tall, beautiful trees Houston has. I hear grackles and mourning doves all day now. It is exactly how it was when I was growing up. Its weird because I think those species are also in North Texas, but they are pretty much invisible compared to how constant they are down here.

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~June emotional~

Jun. 11th, 2015 | 07:27 pm

Read more...Collapse )

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Teletext is still the future

Jun. 9th, 2015 | 04:02 pm
music: µ-Ziq - Pulsar

I hear back from Sophia University on June 25, and its starting to get under my skin the closer the date approaches. What if I don't want to move back to Tokyo just yet. What if I am more excited about my art right now than I am about writing papers and pepper lunch. What the fuck! I'm lovin Houston, but since my personal pet project is in Austin, I should probably consider moving there sooner than later.

Just breathe and chill and hope the timing for everything lines up I guess!

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tired tired tired

Jun. 4th, 2015 | 04:36 pm
music: Royksopp - The Understanding

It has been nonstop since October, and no signs of slowing down. Spending time with the dogs again helps me concentrate. It kind of reminds me of that story, Harrison Bergeron. I think and I think, but instead of a handicap radio periodically buzzing in my ear, a loud dog bark or yelp will scatter my thoughts.

I started thinking about an artist thesis, really trying to figure out how my work is supposed to be contextualized. I was so sure it was about generational iniquity, but then there was a long time I really felt catharsis was the underlying theme. I'm so awkward and socially inept, but creating and expressing myself fluently through pictures is just that..catharsis! When I work with character design, I feel like its catharsis but also about love. I've never been interested in making love stories, but I think love that can be represented in platonic and other unconventional ways thus challenging a viewer's idea on what has been socially accepted through caricature as "love" through is exciting .

I feel like I'm going back to the theme of generational iniquity though, but this time its just "repetition" rather than something as so specific as the sins of the father.
With repetition is there any room for nostalgia? There is only a constant. But what is nostalgia, grief and sorrow without revisiting?

Ever since October its been a strange mix of nostalgia and impatience for the future. I feel like I've escaped a psychological crawlspace, but now I'm trying to gain footing in a world that is so demanding when I still kind of had training wheels up until a year ago. It's rough, but exciting. Its what I wanted. Yet there is a place of intense, crippling sadness that is thriving inside.

Years ago I was working with the dogs, moving past a failed relationship and saving up for school and Japan. Now a decade later, I find myself in the same place. Dogs. School. Relationship. Japan. I certainly didn't plan this either, it just lined up to be so. Normally I would find lack of progress completely nervewracking, but its oddly soothing this time. It feels like I was given a small window of time to feel what I missed so much. For both Texas and Japan. Time takes and it mends.

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Jun. 1st, 2015 | 05:12 pm

Jesus christ. In 24 hours my old boss came to me FIRST to offer me a job again and my high school girlfriend is hooking me up with an in at Aesir media group. Shes a merch designer for anime and shes dropping recs like crazy for me, and I am gonna get my foot in the door with contract work before transitioning to the art department???? Holy chit. I knew I would bounce back here easy but this is 2 legit 2 quick.

All I can think about it that Sophia application now...what if I get in??? What the fuck am I going to do? Do I want it that bad? Aesir has an office in Tokyo, but a career designing cute merch with my wicked talented high school sweetiepoo is intense. I mean, thats what I was planning on doing anyways on my own, selling my art on legit merchandise. Thats what I've spent years doing too! Buying cute anime and game swag. Its something I'm good at, having an eye for cute stuff.

So I get to play with dogs during the day and work on anime cute shit at night? That sounds amazing what the fuck. What the actual fuck. I haven't even washed my hair yet.

Dallas was a huge waste of time and emotion.


The next couple of years of life are probably going to be spent grieving and angry over it. But at least I will have puppies, anime, even more money and a shitload of weed.


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Sharpen the senses and turn the knife

May. 31st, 2015 | 06:10 pm
location: Houston, Texas


a month ago I was like: Tokyo....TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!

Now I just dont fucking know!!!!!!!

But this place is going change me. Tokyo taught me, Dallas tested me, but Houston just holds me. I wish it could forever. But I am going to be difficult and leave to somewhere someday. But for right now, In this moment I know I will remember this feeling forever.

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Sayonara Dallas

May. 29th, 2015 | 10:44 pm

Leaving this place for Houston tomorrow! I got really anxious and freaked out the last two days but then I calmed down. Houston will be a nice place too catch up on, and live rent free. Maybe I'll start up light recreational use of some shit to take the edge off of living with my mom. Ride the white pony to stay productive on late night art shit.

Started talking to somebody and my gut feeling is just telling me bad vibes even though its been really fun. I know deep down its just more hurt; Its like a box wrapped in a box, wrapped in a box, inside another box and the smallest box at the end just has one yellow starburst....but hey, that first box was wrapped up so nice with a big shiny bow.
But sometimes its been so emotionally charged I cant even stand it. Maybe its chemistry? Maybe its Maybelline. But I haven't had good luck with being seen as anything more than an as-is toy for years. A little depressing that I have a sensor for this stuff now. I gotta stay busy and productive though so I can bury the reality of hitting my rapidly approaching thirties as an emotional strugglebot with cute shit and animal kissies.

I miss not living with animals so much. Im gonna try to get my job back from the Mutthouse and foster one of the pups. 2015 has been a year of reunions, and Sandy Pandy is still at my old job! Sandy is old and toothless now, but I remember when she first came in with a bandanna and skin problems on her rump. She was such a sassy and fluffy girl. She looks like she still is.

Kind of weird that I look forward to animal kissies again but Sandy was the kind of dog that did not like to give kisses. David Dig-Dug was the same way. I like my dogs to be emotionally unavailable but secretly cuddlebugs.

Animals are probably the actual shape of my heart but I don't know how to make a career out of them. I haven't seen too many animal illustrators that really make me think critters can be some next-level shit, but I should try. Before I became an anime kid, all I drew were animals.

I was known for animals and dinosaurs. Drawing people gives me anxiety because I am a perfectionist, so things like anatomy, likeness and avoiding uncanny valley is so important. But with animals its so much more relaxing, I always feel like a kid again when I draw creatures. I remember loving Lisa Frank so much because it was like this magic colorful place with fun stories about these rainbow animals from all over the world just being carefree and making friends.

I have memories of just taking in how color and shapes were used (ever notice how Lisa Frank strategically avoids the color red and hard outlines?), but at the same time I would gaze at these pictures of ponies and dolphins and imagine living in her amazing world free of human beings. Just kickin' it in the clouds with unicorns, or watching bunnies be ballerinas on a stage. They would have vibrant names and personalities and my 9 year old self would so badly wish she could just jump into her drawings and look at the stars in her world with a basket of fluffy pink and purple kittens.
The absence of people in Lisa Frank was a gigantic draw for me. It was huge actually. I am now kind of realizing I probably had a weird misanthropic streak as child because the escapism was too real. Nowadays I read about Lisa Frank being a drug addicted, emotionally unstable and reclusive woman. I think I get it though. I feel for her.

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